Am I due for a new post? I guess so.
I check into my facebook and all i see are baby pics, photo pics, weddings, and some occasional vacation photos, some unending complaints, breakups, new relationships, rumors, and the neverending supply of subliminal tweets (which by the way, i am partly in favor and not in favor of at the same time. I figured, subtweets are a copout e .i. hiding yourself behind a desk so you can talk about that particular person, or at the same time, some people out there need to get humiliated to show some serious self change, that if they think a subtweet/status is about them, it probably is for them).
But now, im 26. I wasnt aware that there is some deadline on when to get married or have a child thing---why is everyone asking me if im dating or when im gonna get married? haha, it's quite hilarious, since i have been single for three years now and has not seen anyone (by choice) for over a year now. I mean, i have a goal, and i have been so selfishly focused on it, that i find it very easy to say "no" to dates or just this wall around me is hardmade of concrete that it's not penetrable. I got sick of the friends - with - benefits thing, (disgusted with myself actually) that i took vows to myself and ive been so good at keeping that promise. it has marvelous effects--i was able to focus on myself more and wasnt too distracted. my hormones and my body were not the ones making my decisions for me, instead my mind was. there really is clarity if you void yourself from physical pleasures--it gives you the perception of life in a much different angle--the non physical non lust angle. and i didnt realize how many things i wanted to do and what im capable of until i took this vow. Its amazing how much effect our body has to our decision making.
to say the least, it has been forever since iv gone on an actual date or personal relationship for that matter, mostly because of my stubborness and belief that great men are SO HARD TO FIND. being broken hearted for so many times and now knowing what I DONT WANT, lol i htought it wouldve been easier for me to find that right person. Actually, it has even become harder because I see the things i dont want and that's usually what these men posses.. and I end up compromising(over and over). Lately i've told myself, maybe I should be more open minded...give some of them a chance, afterall this wall iv built around me isnt really their fault.
Well i did, and look how distracted it got me. For a moment there i flew into some sort of fantasy and how my body missed the touches and the sweetness..how ive missed the company of the opposite sex, how ive missed the entire idea of it that I was willing to settle for the one whom, i didnt really even like in the first place but was man enough to persistently ask me out. OKay, it didn't have to be him, it couldve been another guy-- but, for a moment i forgot my whole purpose, my dreams, that I have actually started asking myself questions like.. "if i meet a guy now, would i give up on mydreams?" HOW FOOLISH IS THIS? I have made this mistake before and I'm willing to go through it again!
I'm realizing that I seriously need to focus -- on the goals i have set for myself. I can understand now why most people dont even reach the point of "realizing" their dreams because they have given in into these distractions that are in the way (and there's so many of them). Reaching for a dream is such a lonely road indeed. Finding a balance between fun and focus is an ongoing struggle, a struggle i have to deal with everyday.
I need to surround myself with my inspirations again. For a brief moment I isolated myself away because i gave in to my selfish desires. Seeing my inspirations after being away from them moved my heart in such an indescribable feeling--the feeling of "wow i almost lost myself again."
I am so glad i realized these quickly, sooner,before things even gotten worse. I realize I need to stick to what i set myself to do and focus on it. When i get "there" and feel complete, then maybe the right person will come and celebrate it with me.
