as the night falls
i look at him and say..
is he here for now,
or here to stay..
as i touch his body,
with his arms around me,
with our cheeks caressing each others'
with our smiles connecting together..
as i moved around..
as i glide my body against his,
to the beat of an unforgettable sound..
i feel a sense of peace and bliss..
as he moves his mouth unto my ear,
and gives it a stinch of bite,
gives me deep feeling I truly fear..
is this only for now, is it only for tonight?
as I sit at a tall chair holding a glass or water..
he grabs me and turns me around,
gives me a peck I cant almost bear..
As i stand on the porch over looking the city,
with the wind blowing in our face,
he surrounds me in his arms, i look at the clock..
it's only 11:50..
by midnight I lay on his side,
with the cool breeze from the window,
clothes on the bedside..
As emotions run down my spine,
I was thinking.. "tonight he is mine."
As our bodies glide, i forget everything.
time, place, even my whole being.
As i gave in to his strong desire,
and as he returned the favor...
With all the friction, there were sparks of fire..
tasting the passion, its very sweet flavor..
As I laid next to him I think..
"it's five am, we need to sleep."
memorable, unforgettable, truly an epic.
this guy I barely knew, yet asking "who are you?" is very rhetoric.
as I wake up it felt like a dream ive never had.
Although I felt his arms around me,
i knew it was the best I have ever had...
Although as the morning came and it was time to part ways..
I knew one thing that was running in my head, in a maze.
That tonight was only for tonight...
That he was not gonna stay.....
It hurts me to think....
that everything was only for last night...
A sense of Closure..
So this weekend has been emotionally exhausting for me and to tell the truth, I am so glad it is over. In away, I gave Jared an ultimatum and i still havent heard from him.. I waited for a good month and still no phone call.. so that is it. I am moving on.
talking to his mom yesterday was prolly needed. In a way, i put a closure to that as well. I will no longer wait, and instead focus on my self, my plans, my finances, and my responsibilities. I have everything going for me right now. NO stress at all, just have to live it day by day, care-free and wtith a free spirit.
no doubt that I perfectly understand why jared broke up with me. I absolutely understand why he has to finish college, has to move on to a four year U, and to finally settle with a job. Im not sure if Los Angeles is the perfect place to get back on track but at least he is trying. This is why I am not mad at him or at the situation. i understand clearly that he needs to work on himself... so when he is happy with himself, he can make someone happy with him. Unfortunately it is not me.. and I can admit that we were unhappy. I still miss our moments but all we can do is let go of the past and get back up. Just like other break ups. I mean, i had a couple of break ups before so I am handling it very well.
it really is time to move forward for me. school, career, travel,.. make new friends, meet new guys (haha), travel to other state/countries.. appreciate the gift of friendship and family...everyday i appreciate myself more, with what i have accomplished at 23, and what I have yet to overcome. I feel pretty good about myself, confident, in shape, and talented. im sure one day i can put all of these to use.. in order to make myself better, and to be a better person to be around with.
god loves us all.
"surrender the pen of your love life and let God be the author of your love story."
talking to his mom yesterday was prolly needed. In a way, i put a closure to that as well. I will no longer wait, and instead focus on my self, my plans, my finances, and my responsibilities. I have everything going for me right now. NO stress at all, just have to live it day by day, care-free and wtith a free spirit.
no doubt that I perfectly understand why jared broke up with me. I absolutely understand why he has to finish college, has to move on to a four year U, and to finally settle with a job. Im not sure if Los Angeles is the perfect place to get back on track but at least he is trying. This is why I am not mad at him or at the situation. i understand clearly that he needs to work on himself... so when he is happy with himself, he can make someone happy with him. Unfortunately it is not me.. and I can admit that we were unhappy. I still miss our moments but all we can do is let go of the past and get back up. Just like other break ups. I mean, i had a couple of break ups before so I am handling it very well.
it really is time to move forward for me. school, career, travel,.. make new friends, meet new guys (haha), travel to other state/countries.. appreciate the gift of friendship and family...everyday i appreciate myself more, with what i have accomplished at 23, and what I have yet to overcome. I feel pretty good about myself, confident, in shape, and talented. im sure one day i can put all of these to use.. in order to make myself better, and to be a better person to be around with.
god loves us all.
"surrender the pen of your love life and let God be the author of your love story."
Magen is in town!
Magen is in town!
Jared's sister, whom i have promised to take around when she visits town, was in town today and i took her around. Turns out that jared's older brother was in town as well and so i ended up bringing them to the beach, the promenade, etc. I also saw D's babygirl Ilima today and she was gorgeous!
Oh what a day to be hanging out with your exboyfriend's family. apparently jared has not told anyone about the breakup, its just the talk that spread around. I mean i did not mind at all, only thing is.. his family is saying things like "oh she's the only one i really like" or "jared yuo are making a huge mistake.." it's good to know that there are people who appreciate me for who I am what I have offered to their brother. I love his family. They are very supporting, fun, very hospitable, and appreciative.
hearing stories from his family members make me realize that after two years of knowing jared too well, i dont know anything about him anymore. i heard he's been busy in school, has a new place, new roommate, etc etc. but it's really weird how I have not heard from him. I guess its also a good thing that I havent because then I would be stressing about him too much.
being single makes me realize what kind of man i want to be with. unconciously i am setting up some standards and checking off the checklist. although i havnet really dated anyone just yet (and im not ready, i think i need another month), i feel like i have this vision of my own dreamboy... this whole break up has made me 'wait' for the right person.. it may take a month to a year, but the most important is, he would be perfect for me.
I also came to realize how imperfect for each other me and jared were. When you love someone you are blinded by your affection..physically and emotionally. day by day i come to realize jared is not the one, contrary to what i have thought when we were dating. I guess being with someone for the last five years has not honed my abilities to be single.. i have always seeked for someone's love and affection.. and i have always looked for someone to shared my love with. for now, i have learned that i need to be alone to be with someone..
God does have a very interesting and mysterious way to work around with things. everyday before i sleep i pray to Him that he has total control of my lovelife and that i surrender everything to him. I feel like He does not hear my prayer.. But I am a true believer of his powers, of his love.. and i believe that true love exists.
as for now, i pray for good health and abundance in life, continued healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships and family.
Jared's sister, whom i have promised to take around when she visits town, was in town today and i took her around. Turns out that jared's older brother was in town as well and so i ended up bringing them to the beach, the promenade, etc. I also saw D's babygirl Ilima today and she was gorgeous!
Oh what a day to be hanging out with your exboyfriend's family. apparently jared has not told anyone about the breakup, its just the talk that spread around. I mean i did not mind at all, only thing is.. his family is saying things like "oh she's the only one i really like" or "jared yuo are making a huge mistake.." it's good to know that there are people who appreciate me for who I am what I have offered to their brother. I love his family. They are very supporting, fun, very hospitable, and appreciative.
hearing stories from his family members make me realize that after two years of knowing jared too well, i dont know anything about him anymore. i heard he's been busy in school, has a new place, new roommate, etc etc. but it's really weird how I have not heard from him. I guess its also a good thing that I havent because then I would be stressing about him too much.
being single makes me realize what kind of man i want to be with. unconciously i am setting up some standards and checking off the checklist. although i havnet really dated anyone just yet (and im not ready, i think i need another month), i feel like i have this vision of my own dreamboy... this whole break up has made me 'wait' for the right person.. it may take a month to a year, but the most important is, he would be perfect for me.
I also came to realize how imperfect for each other me and jared were. When you love someone you are blinded by your affection..physically and emotionally. day by day i come to realize jared is not the one, contrary to what i have thought when we were dating. I guess being with someone for the last five years has not honed my abilities to be single.. i have always seeked for someone's love and affection.. and i have always looked for someone to shared my love with. for now, i have learned that i need to be alone to be with someone..
God does have a very interesting and mysterious way to work around with things. everyday before i sleep i pray to Him that he has total control of my lovelife and that i surrender everything to him. I feel like He does not hear my prayer.. But I am a true believer of his powers, of his love.. and i believe that true love exists.
as for now, i pray for good health and abundance in life, continued healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships and family.
Vegas solitude
It's my first time going to Vegas, and it is what I expected it to be. Lively fun, alive! However I'm not even going to rant about Vegas... I'm gonna rant about something else..
So As I was laying on the pool.. I realize that Vegas is a plac for single people.. Those that are on the prawl. I realized it quickly how I missed being with someone.. Someone that holds your hand and rubs your back.. Lays by the pool with you, drinks with you, takes pictures with you. I got sickened looking at the guys trying to talk to women, guys handing out their hotel cards to these women thy just met. What happened to "hello, my name is.. Can I take u out on a date?" I feel like our evolving culture is now using "I want to sleep with you. We should make out and have sex." by the short tome I was single and being myself, I am extremely disgusted by what I see and feel. Make me think it is so much better when there is only one person loing you, caressing you, and taking you out on dates...
Whatever happened to 'i wanna go dancing?' I feel that, including myself, I go out expecting to meet a guy. I hate that feeling.. That feeling of being on a prawl all the time... I have not hooked up with anyone since my exboyfried as broken up with me, contrary to what people tell me: 'quickest way to get over is to date soemone else ryt away. I quickly realized this is not me, I am the person who wants to take things slow and try figure stuff out. I constantly thjnk about things like 'should I hv done something different? Shoulda coulda woulda... I feel like I have loved him a lot. And still do.. He will always hve a place in my heart. As I see all these men who come an talk to me, those that follow me around, or those that do the secon look, I constantly think about him.. How he beats all these men on the way he take care of me. I miss the feeling of being loved. Although it became too rocky at the end, I could never deny that the two years we havespent together have been great.
I was not going to talk about Vegas at all. This place is fun and great, but does not quite work with my personality. I am a hopeless romantic. Waiting for someone who woul sweep m off my feet by giving me flowers, taking me to romantic dates, walks on the beach.... I can seriously say I am over the partying.. It really is for the young at heart. These temporary relationships don't work for me...
I have decided to save myself from all hurt, and protect my heart from more damage. This way I will be prepared to give my all to my husband, whom I have yet to meet. It's like falling in love with your future huband whom you haven't met yet. I just don't wanna end up like a hamburger meat who have just wasted all of mysel to the temporary relationships that would go by...
As for now I pray for good health and abundance in life. Healing for Jared, and strong love among friendship and family.
God loves us all.
So As I was laying on the pool.. I realize that Vegas is a plac for single people.. Those that are on the prawl. I realized it quickly how I missed being with someone.. Someone that holds your hand and rubs your back.. Lays by the pool with you, drinks with you, takes pictures with you. I got sickened looking at the guys trying to talk to women, guys handing out their hotel cards to these women thy just met. What happened to "hello, my name is.. Can I take u out on a date?" I feel like our evolving culture is now using "I want to sleep with you. We should make out and have sex." by the short tome I was single and being myself, I am extremely disgusted by what I see and feel. Make me think it is so much better when there is only one person loing you, caressing you, and taking you out on dates...
Whatever happened to 'i wanna go dancing?' I feel that, including myself, I go out expecting to meet a guy. I hate that feeling.. That feeling of being on a prawl all the time... I have not hooked up with anyone since my exboyfried as broken up with me, contrary to what people tell me: 'quickest way to get over is to date soemone else ryt away. I quickly realized this is not me, I am the person who wants to take things slow and try figure stuff out. I constantly thjnk about things like 'should I hv done something different? Shoulda coulda woulda... I feel like I have loved him a lot. And still do.. He will always hve a place in my heart. As I see all these men who come an talk to me, those that follow me around, or those that do the secon look, I constantly think about him.. How he beats all these men on the way he take care of me. I miss the feeling of being loved. Although it became too rocky at the end, I could never deny that the two years we havespent together have been great.
I was not going to talk about Vegas at all. This place is fun and great, but does not quite work with my personality. I am a hopeless romantic. Waiting for someone who woul sweep m off my feet by giving me flowers, taking me to romantic dates, walks on the beach.... I can seriously say I am over the partying.. It really is for the young at heart. These temporary relationships don't work for me...
I have decided to save myself from all hurt, and protect my heart from more damage. This way I will be prepared to give my all to my husband, whom I have yet to meet. It's like falling in love with your future huband whom you haven't met yet. I just don't wanna end up like a hamburger meat who have just wasted all of mysel to the temporary relationships that would go by...
As for now I pray for good health and abundance in life. Healing for Jared, and strong love among friendship and family.
God loves us all.
Wohoo. I am blogging again!
So I have this history that I use to blog about everything that happens. in 2004 I have started writing... my blogs have caused drama, friendship etc etc. i even wrote poems (really good ones!)... now i am 23.. more mature.. so more read-worthy stuff to write...
My boyfriend of two years just recently (3 weeks to date) broke up with me... I'm in LA living the single life.. literally, single. living with two wonderful roommates, working two jobs, occasional drinks here and there, maintaining my car... paying my bills... It has been tough to be alone in a city.. no family. just one best friend (that lives an hour away), two wonderful roommates, and a few cool coworkers... So far I am living stress free. have not stressed about my health, my finances, my status... it has worked great for me so far. I cant believe I have experienced a stress free life for a lil bit now... It is a GREAT feeling.
I was thinking sometimes.. I feel so alone. But.. i have to learn how to be independent somehow. mom chewed me out on the phone last nyt, wanting me to come back home to Alaska. Coz up there i dont pay rent, food, and I even get lucky with gas money. but i realize it really isnt about money all the time. although i moved down here to be with my (ex) boyfriend, i look at it as a positive aspect now. like.... 'im in LA! i should take full advantage!' So that's what I have been doing. My friends are suprised on how I have handled the break up. cried for two days, got depressed for another couple days.. and bounced right back up. lost some weight, ate more healthy, brought prettier clothes and shoes. and voila! it's like a new me! colored my hair black, met new friends, had... wont mention. hahaha... it has been great so far! loving it.. learning how not to be dependent with a man. I thoought i was not gonna be able to make it here. but I am learning.
I was reading this book my friend Sj let me borrow.. it's called 'when God writes your love story.' All these break up situations made me closer to God, making me realize that he has greater plans for me. I have completely surrendered my relationship problems to Him... I figured.. somewhere out there.. the guys im supposed to be with is walking around.. at work.. making dinner... or whatever. I have decided to NOT LOOK for love, instead wait till God sends the right person to me.
It has been a ride giving up my lovelife to someone I have faith towards.. someone who has full control over all things.. but I realized, I am only 23. I have graduated college, have travelled, have my own car, job.. things are in the right place for now. I know someone out there is worthy of my love.. someone who would appreciate me for who I am. someone Godly.. someone God-sent.
As for now, i am just focusing on work. working towards a career. I may move to Oregon and get a job there. cheaper living, i will be luxurious! I plan to go to the UK next year... stay there for a month or two.. try to live/learn another culture.. Maybe save some money and buy a property at home. some land I can call mine. go back to grad school. may take ten years to get my masters but hey, it would be worth it if I make 100k a year when Im thirty... so far.. all plans. I have God to help me through all this..
for now, i just pray for more blessings and good health. healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships...
God Loves us All.
My boyfriend of two years just recently (3 weeks to date) broke up with me... I'm in LA living the single life.. literally, single. living with two wonderful roommates, working two jobs, occasional drinks here and there, maintaining my car... paying my bills... It has been tough to be alone in a city.. no family. just one best friend (that lives an hour away), two wonderful roommates, and a few cool coworkers... So far I am living stress free. have not stressed about my health, my finances, my status... it has worked great for me so far. I cant believe I have experienced a stress free life for a lil bit now... It is a GREAT feeling.
I was thinking sometimes.. I feel so alone. But.. i have to learn how to be independent somehow. mom chewed me out on the phone last nyt, wanting me to come back home to Alaska. Coz up there i dont pay rent, food, and I even get lucky with gas money. but i realize it really isnt about money all the time. although i moved down here to be with my (ex) boyfriend, i look at it as a positive aspect now. like.... 'im in LA! i should take full advantage!' So that's what I have been doing. My friends are suprised on how I have handled the break up. cried for two days, got depressed for another couple days.. and bounced right back up. lost some weight, ate more healthy, brought prettier clothes and shoes. and voila! it's like a new me! colored my hair black, met new friends, had... wont mention. hahaha... it has been great so far! loving it.. learning how not to be dependent with a man. I thoought i was not gonna be able to make it here. but I am learning.
I was reading this book my friend Sj let me borrow.. it's called 'when God writes your love story.' All these break up situations made me closer to God, making me realize that he has greater plans for me. I have completely surrendered my relationship problems to Him... I figured.. somewhere out there.. the guys im supposed to be with is walking around.. at work.. making dinner... or whatever. I have decided to NOT LOOK for love, instead wait till God sends the right person to me.
It has been a ride giving up my lovelife to someone I have faith towards.. someone who has full control over all things.. but I realized, I am only 23. I have graduated college, have travelled, have my own car, job.. things are in the right place for now. I know someone out there is worthy of my love.. someone who would appreciate me for who I am. someone Godly.. someone God-sent.
As for now, i am just focusing on work. working towards a career. I may move to Oregon and get a job there. cheaper living, i will be luxurious! I plan to go to the UK next year... stay there for a month or two.. try to live/learn another culture.. Maybe save some money and buy a property at home. some land I can call mine. go back to grad school. may take ten years to get my masters but hey, it would be worth it if I make 100k a year when Im thirty... so far.. all plans. I have God to help me through all this..
for now, i just pray for more blessings and good health. healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships...
God Loves us All.
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