With my charming sweet thoughts and gentle smile, I gently took a sip of my water as I was getting to know someone. This man, whom I met a few days ago, decided we should have some scrumtuous food and thirst-quenching drinks. As I get comftble, with the football game on, as the restaurant hustle and bustle rang in my ear, I saw a guy came in the door. with my seat facing the huge entrance of the restaurant, I immediately recognized the tall build of a man I knew.
As I was trying to hold my breath while my jaw dropped, and my heart almost jumping out of my chest, I pondered 'oh my god.' it was him. The guy my heart has been longing for. The guy whom my emotions have been on the edge with. Hanging. As my nerves took over me, tthe guy I've been trying to get to know, mutters, 'did you see someone? Like an exboyfriend?'
as I lied my way and fabricated an alibi, I immediately responded 'no, it has nothing to do with me, but it's too juicy for my friend.' he believed me, and as the tall man walked around the bar, I noticed.. A woman.
They made their way round the rectangle shaped bar, where on one end I sat. Fate then decided that the host gave them the table about four tables behind me, to the left, next to the little alley. As if seeing him ( plus one ) wasn't bad enough, I can actually see him right in the corner of my left eye. Great. Just great.
I played it cool with the guy I'm next to. Completely acted normal, bringing up intelligent talks and queries as we're trying to get to know each other. As the night passed I cannot take the image off my mind: him and another woman. The same place at the same time with me and another man.
It could be a casual thing. But I wouldn't know. I know for sure I'm only casually on a date with this guy I'm next to, but what if he's actually trying to date the girl he's having dinner with? But.. What if not?
I don't know what is weirder. The fact that we both are intimate and we have been seeing each other non exclusively, or the fact that we both are on different dates at the same time and place. In a way it makes us even. But, the only thing is, this doesn't give me a closure. I do not know for sure.
Tonight def marks a book worthy story. I thought this only happens in movies or in reality shows like The Hills. But regardless of thousands of restaurants and 6 milion people in LA, i happen to run into the man and along with the situation were unexpected packages. Maybe fate decided to step in and play it's little role. The bad thing is, I don't know what fate was trying to tell me...
A city that never sleeps, so sinful.
8 shots of vodka
plus 2 more
i give in
out of my mind
i lost control
blacked out
As i walked the hallways.
being a different person
than i am when sober.
mistake ive made
as i entered the room
on the 33rd floor.
i got naked.
soaked in the water
as another gracious being did too.
a mistake ive made
although decided to forget
as the night went through.
threw up twice,
completely lost it.
3am, 4 am, 5 am,
next thing i know it's 7:57.
still half wasted
as i got up and got ready to leave
definitely movie-like
wrong, sinful, shameful.
but had the best time.
new people
new secrets.
a weekend too much to bear too much to forget
yet too much happened that I have to delete it
in my memory.
mouth is shut.
as i lied my way to my stories.
to fabricate an excuse of a blasting weekend.
vegas. you did great.
plus 2 more
i give in
out of my mind
i lost control
blacked out
As i walked the hallways.
being a different person
than i am when sober.
mistake ive made
as i entered the room
on the 33rd floor.
i got naked.
soaked in the water
as another gracious being did too.
a mistake ive made
although decided to forget
as the night went through.
threw up twice,
completely lost it.
3am, 4 am, 5 am,
next thing i know it's 7:57.
still half wasted
as i got up and got ready to leave
definitely movie-like
wrong, sinful, shameful.
but had the best time.
new people
new secrets.
a weekend too much to bear too much to forget
yet too much happened that I have to delete it
in my memory.
mouth is shut.
as i lied my way to my stories.
to fabricate an excuse of a blasting weekend.
vegas. you did great.
Sin City
Last weekend's trip to Vegas was definitely book-worthy.
too much stuff happened that i decided i will delete it in my memory.
Although it was so fcking memorable.
Ahhh Sin City. You make me a good sinner.
too much stuff happened that i decided i will delete it in my memory.
Although it was so fcking memorable.
Ahhh Sin City. You make me a good sinner.
Oh Chris Paul, can I marry you?
Am I hallucinating? Of all the beautiful people in LA (or everywhere) I am drawned into my 'chocolate ken doll' fantasy. in this generation the physical attraction plays a big role in decision making. being single in a flock of beautiful people, there are too many options to choose from. i feel like i am slowly swallowed by this LA thing. The Casual LA thing.
Coming from a conservative yet modern family, and being born and raised from the Philippines, I have such an open mind when it comes to meeting people. when before I was very discriminating and close minded, living in America has changed me. I am more welcoming and knowledgeable of people's characters, ways, tradition, and culture. and it is a beautiful thing.
i found out, after dating guys of different backgrounds, that the world is a huge melting pot of beautiful people. i believe that there are beautiful people everywhere.. i just need to nit-pick them properly. just so happens that i have a certain type as well. maybe sometimes, our tastes just gets stuck at the same thing. maybe that thing is wonderful, and that going back to something else is not even an option.
so what exactly am i talking about?
being single for three months now has made me more open minded as to how men deal with women, but my observations only work in LA. i heard that this does not apply to other states or places. LA is different. it's young. hip. modern. fancy. beautiful. busy. insane.
men around here are into the casual dating. meaning, "hello, let's hook up tonight. but, you might not hear from me the next day/" (exaggerated of course, but you get the idea). I have met one two three or so men that I was attracted to, but the naiive me, gets attached too quickly that i start expecting. In juneau, when you like someone, you start hanging out with them like crazy. almost too clingy. but that's in Alaska, where there is nothing to do. however here in LA, everyone is busy and there is sooo much to do.
this particular group of men are great. nice, sweet, good looking. of course, since everyone is afraid of committments here, all you get is a one night hook up and if youre lucky, maybe a second, third, or even fourth time hook up. but! no one wants to be exclusive. so one thing i definitley learned is: when you are dating/seeing someone, expect that they are seeing/dating other people too. be accepting of that idea.
the next thing i have learned is that, when you go out on a date or a drink with a man, almost always, the end of the night has to consist sex or making out. which is weird. can i just have a drink with you because you are a new friend? why do i have to make out with you at the end of the night? well, this is the case here. and! IT IS OK (i guess) to make out with them at the end of the night. because, like they say, 'we are adults.' one thing here that I have learned is.. It is ok to make out with guys you go on dates with, because, they, apparently dont really care if you make out with other people as well. same as lesson1.
lesson number 3: Even if you guys have gone out on a few dates, hung out a few times, hooked up a few times, do not expect that this guy is "in-like" with you. most cases, he is not.. This is probably the hardest lesson that i had to deal with everyday. I assumed, since we were both attracted to each other, that at one point, he likes me just as i like him. we hung out a few times..talked almost everyday, but liek other guys, he only talks to me when he feels like it. i have been turned down a few times (i dont know why i let it happen. once should be a lesson already). but because i like him, i risk getting rejected over and over again just to see if he will actually hang out with me. so, i am getting sick of admitting that he is just not that into me.so what i did was i deleted his phone number (so i dont get tempted to text him) and just basically ignored him. and i still have been ignoring him. i figured if he wanted to see me, he will call me.
and there are those who i have gone out on dates with, AS A FRIEND, and somehow i mustve sent a wrong message. a message that says "hey i like you." but in reality i only like them as a friend and not someone to date with. what happens? the guy clings. like a stage 5 clinger. really clingy. I have learned that, although LA is into the casual dating scene, there are guys out there that would misunderstand my character. instead of welcoming me as a down-to-earth 'i wanna be your friend' person, they take it as a "im flirting with you and we should sleep together."
these lessons are recurring themes in my everyday dating life. although very confusing, I actually enjoy knowing people and sizing them up (haha, jk!) and getting to know them. there are great people out there.. some are accessible, some are not. some are taken, mostly are gay, and some are married. but that's whats fun about dating. get to know everyone, then the right one comes along at the perfect timing.
Coming from a conservative yet modern family, and being born and raised from the Philippines, I have such an open mind when it comes to meeting people. when before I was very discriminating and close minded, living in America has changed me. I am more welcoming and knowledgeable of people's characters, ways, tradition, and culture. and it is a beautiful thing.
i found out, after dating guys of different backgrounds, that the world is a huge melting pot of beautiful people. i believe that there are beautiful people everywhere.. i just need to nit-pick them properly. just so happens that i have a certain type as well. maybe sometimes, our tastes just gets stuck at the same thing. maybe that thing is wonderful, and that going back to something else is not even an option.
so what exactly am i talking about?
being single for three months now has made me more open minded as to how men deal with women, but my observations only work in LA. i heard that this does not apply to other states or places. LA is different. it's young. hip. modern. fancy. beautiful. busy. insane.
men around here are into the casual dating. meaning, "hello, let's hook up tonight. but, you might not hear from me the next day/" (exaggerated of course, but you get the idea). I have met one two three or so men that I was attracted to, but the naiive me, gets attached too quickly that i start expecting. In juneau, when you like someone, you start hanging out with them like crazy. almost too clingy. but that's in Alaska, where there is nothing to do. however here in LA, everyone is busy and there is sooo much to do.
this particular group of men are great. nice, sweet, good looking. of course, since everyone is afraid of committments here, all you get is a one night hook up and if youre lucky, maybe a second, third, or even fourth time hook up. but! no one wants to be exclusive. so one thing i definitley learned is: when you are dating/seeing someone, expect that they are seeing/dating other people too. be accepting of that idea.
the next thing i have learned is that, when you go out on a date or a drink with a man, almost always, the end of the night has to consist sex or making out. which is weird. can i just have a drink with you because you are a new friend? why do i have to make out with you at the end of the night? well, this is the case here. and! IT IS OK (i guess) to make out with them at the end of the night. because, like they say, 'we are adults.' one thing here that I have learned is.. It is ok to make out with guys you go on dates with, because, they, apparently dont really care if you make out with other people as well. same as lesson1.
lesson number 3: Even if you guys have gone out on a few dates, hung out a few times, hooked up a few times, do not expect that this guy is "in-like" with you. most cases, he is not.. This is probably the hardest lesson that i had to deal with everyday. I assumed, since we were both attracted to each other, that at one point, he likes me just as i like him. we hung out a few times..talked almost everyday, but liek other guys, he only talks to me when he feels like it. i have been turned down a few times (i dont know why i let it happen. once should be a lesson already). but because i like him, i risk getting rejected over and over again just to see if he will actually hang out with me. so, i am getting sick of admitting that he is just not that into me.so what i did was i deleted his phone number (so i dont get tempted to text him) and just basically ignored him. and i still have been ignoring him. i figured if he wanted to see me, he will call me.
and there are those who i have gone out on dates with, AS A FRIEND, and somehow i mustve sent a wrong message. a message that says "hey i like you." but in reality i only like them as a friend and not someone to date with. what happens? the guy clings. like a stage 5 clinger. really clingy. I have learned that, although LA is into the casual dating scene, there are guys out there that would misunderstand my character. instead of welcoming me as a down-to-earth 'i wanna be your friend' person, they take it as a "im flirting with you and we should sleep together."
these lessons are recurring themes in my everyday dating life. although very confusing, I actually enjoy knowing people and sizing them up (haha, jk!) and getting to know them. there are great people out there.. some are accessible, some are not. some are taken, mostly are gay, and some are married. but that's whats fun about dating. get to know everyone, then the right one comes along at the perfect timing.
One Week Love Affair
In seven days
I met..
Him.
Bold,
gentle,
and sweet.
First to next days,
we were inseparable,
holding each other's hand.
with kisses we shared..
our attraction.
Till the night,
when lust overcame friendship,
when attraction ruled morals,
when bodies took over minds,
hit bliss.
As wonderful the moment became,
two bodies as one,
only to know...
A few days after,
Lust faded,
so did the friendship that bound us.
kisses were blown,
by the awkward wall drawn in between.
Was it me, was it him?
was it us..
too much,
too soon,
too precious to be wasted away.
not a word has been muttered.
my heart beats as I see him pass by,
would like to ignore,
but my heart longs to communicate.
That it would have been better,
only if it was slower.
was it me, was it him, was it us,
...or was it her?
As I saw them walk away,
after a two second conversation with me,
As i come to realize,
it may not just have been me,
but with another on the side.
can't square an idea ..
of how the friendship faded away,
yet this feeling towards him I cant let go.
only a few days have passed,
but what was it really?
That caused us to part ways..
That even friendship we cant bear lasting.
I seemed to have much to care,
All in this one week love affair.
I met..
Him.
Bold,
gentle,
and sweet.
First to next days,
we were inseparable,
holding each other's hand.
with kisses we shared..
our attraction.
Till the night,
when lust overcame friendship,
when attraction ruled morals,
when bodies took over minds,
hit bliss.
As wonderful the moment became,
two bodies as one,
only to know...
A few days after,
Lust faded,
so did the friendship that bound us.
kisses were blown,
by the awkward wall drawn in between.
Was it me, was it him?
was it us..
too much,
too soon,
too precious to be wasted away.
not a word has been muttered.
my heart beats as I see him pass by,
would like to ignore,
but my heart longs to communicate.
That it would have been better,
only if it was slower.
was it me, was it him, was it us,
...or was it her?
As I saw them walk away,
after a two second conversation with me,
As i come to realize,
it may not just have been me,
but with another on the side.
can't square an idea ..
of how the friendship faded away,
yet this feeling towards him I cant let go.
only a few days have passed,
but what was it really?
That caused us to part ways..
That even friendship we cant bear lasting.
I seemed to have much to care,
All in this one week love affair.
As1
Dim lights
with your body you roll over
next to me..
hearing your breath,
as you kiss my ears.
With passionate sigh,
i respond with a bite on my lips.
your hands caress my body
as you say 'soft' I give in.
turned around and got on top.
as I kiss your neck.
I hear you breathing deeply.
with your hands you caress my back;
as I passionately touch your neck,
shoulders,
arms,
and make my way.
towards bliss we both anticipate.
I glide my body against yours,
as you roughly pull my hair back.
to the music i hear,
to the walls i see shadows.
two bodies enjoying somewhat a fantasy.
agressively turned me around.
with your soft lips making their way..
from the back of my neck,
to my shoulders,
to my spine.
As I fantasize about what's next.
you surprise me.
With a free flowing play.
leading towards and exciting climax.
we connect as one,
with passion and desire.
with lust.
as we go on, and on,
and on for longer.
passion heating up much stronger.
until we both feel the satisfaction.
and lay next to each other..
as one.
with your body you roll over
next to me..
hearing your breath,
as you kiss my ears.
With passionate sigh,
i respond with a bite on my lips.
your hands caress my body
as you say 'soft' I give in.
turned around and got on top.
as I kiss your neck.
I hear you breathing deeply.
with your hands you caress my back;
as I passionately touch your neck,
shoulders,
arms,
and make my way.
towards bliss we both anticipate.
I glide my body against yours,
as you roughly pull my hair back.
to the music i hear,
to the walls i see shadows.
two bodies enjoying somewhat a fantasy.
agressively turned me around.
with your soft lips making their way..
from the back of my neck,
to my shoulders,
to my spine.
As I fantasize about what's next.
you surprise me.
With a free flowing play.
leading towards and exciting climax.
we connect as one,
with passion and desire.
with lust.
as we go on, and on,
and on for longer.
passion heating up much stronger.
until we both feel the satisfaction.
and lay next to each other..
as one.
Sex is Like Music to Your ears..
I have yet to make my own genre for a group of songs that I classify as good 'sex' songs.. lyrically, and with reality of course.
I am thinking of calling them the LoveSex Genre, and this genre includes songs such as:
Sex therapy -robin thicke
bed - j holiday
trading places - usher
signs of love making - tyrese
naked - marques houston
high - james blunt
how does it feel - d'angelo
sex with you - marques houston
under - pleasure p
birthday suit - pleasure p
i invented sex - trey songz
will continue to add songs to this list.
amazing.
I am thinking of calling them the LoveSex Genre, and this genre includes songs such as:
Sex therapy -robin thicke
bed - j holiday
trading places - usher
signs of love making - tyrese
naked - marques houston
high - james blunt
how does it feel - d'angelo
sex with you - marques houston
under - pleasure p
birthday suit - pleasure p
i invented sex - trey songz
will continue to add songs to this list.
amazing.
Not him, But you!
Why is it that I always end up liking the douchey type, when a true gentleman is parading right in front of me.
I guess challenges are my thing now. I used to fall for the guys who like me, but I guess I am growing up because I do not see the true guy that's right in front of me, and instead I seek attention from the one (or two) that are nowhere to be found.
What is it about attraction that we fall for it so easily. With the world today, alcohol and bars are such influential places. What is it about alcohol and the hype of the bar scene that makes us more 'attractive?'
For example, a man and a woman are undoubtedly attracted to each other, while intoxicated. The next thing you know, they never talk after taht. In los angeles, where being single and casual is the thing to be, it's tough to find people who are more sincere than a one-night-hookup. Almost everyone in this town are in it for the good time, free drinks, or free sex.
It's a sickening thought that good looking men know they are good looking and they take advantage of it to the full extent. It also sucks that women have to be superficial to be noticed. Where did manners and morals go? out the door in Los Angeles. Cant trust anyone. Everyone is plastic, and flaky.
Most people ive met in LA are not even from LA. theyre from every other states out there, just got caught up in the LA single vibe. Casual dating sucks around here, not that I need a man to complete me, but it's impossible to go meet a guy who's not up for a one time hook up. in the past two months (since me and jared broke up), i have casually met 7 guys, none of them is the serious kind. But I already kinda knew all of these. I wouldnt be able to meet mr wonderful in this crazy town.
But why is it that we long for those we cannot have? the saying is def true. it's that feeling of "oh i hope this goes further than just tonight." but the next day you dont even hear from them. Should one quit and give up her morals to fit in the city? or Should one stick to them even if theyre not the norm? it's very confusing. I guess being young in a town like Los Angeles, im bound to make mistakes. Hopefully these mistakes will make me a better person, and hopefully I will learn from them..
as for now, im sticking to my rule. flake once and your out the door.
LOL
I guess challenges are my thing now. I used to fall for the guys who like me, but I guess I am growing up because I do not see the true guy that's right in front of me, and instead I seek attention from the one (or two) that are nowhere to be found.
What is it about attraction that we fall for it so easily. With the world today, alcohol and bars are such influential places. What is it about alcohol and the hype of the bar scene that makes us more 'attractive?'
For example, a man and a woman are undoubtedly attracted to each other, while intoxicated. The next thing you know, they never talk after taht. In los angeles, where being single and casual is the thing to be, it's tough to find people who are more sincere than a one-night-hookup. Almost everyone in this town are in it for the good time, free drinks, or free sex.
It's a sickening thought that good looking men know they are good looking and they take advantage of it to the full extent. It also sucks that women have to be superficial to be noticed. Where did manners and morals go? out the door in Los Angeles. Cant trust anyone. Everyone is plastic, and flaky.
Most people ive met in LA are not even from LA. theyre from every other states out there, just got caught up in the LA single vibe. Casual dating sucks around here, not that I need a man to complete me, but it's impossible to go meet a guy who's not up for a one time hook up. in the past two months (since me and jared broke up), i have casually met 7 guys, none of them is the serious kind. But I already kinda knew all of these. I wouldnt be able to meet mr wonderful in this crazy town.
But why is it that we long for those we cannot have? the saying is def true. it's that feeling of "oh i hope this goes further than just tonight." but the next day you dont even hear from them. Should one quit and give up her morals to fit in the city? or Should one stick to them even if theyre not the norm? it's very confusing. I guess being young in a town like Los Angeles, im bound to make mistakes. Hopefully these mistakes will make me a better person, and hopefully I will learn from them..
as for now, im sticking to my rule. flake once and your out the door.
LOL
For Last Night only.
as the night falls
i look at him and say..
is he here for now,
or here to stay..
as i touch his body,
with his arms around me,
with our cheeks caressing each others'
with our smiles connecting together..
as i moved around..
as i glide my body against his,
to the beat of an unforgettable sound..
i feel a sense of peace and bliss..
as he moves his mouth unto my ear,
and gives it a stinch of bite,
gives me deep feeling I truly fear..
is this only for now, is it only for tonight?
as I sit at a tall chair holding a glass or water..
he grabs me and turns me around,
gives me a peck I cant almost bear..
As i stand on the porch over looking the city,
with the wind blowing in our face,
he surrounds me in his arms, i look at the clock..
it's only 11:50..
by midnight I lay on his side,
with the cool breeze from the window,
clothes on the bedside..
As emotions run down my spine,
I was thinking.. "tonight he is mine."
As our bodies glide, i forget everything.
time, place, even my whole being.
As i gave in to his strong desire,
and as he returned the favor...
With all the friction, there were sparks of fire..
tasting the passion, its very sweet flavor..
As I laid next to him I think..
"it's five am, we need to sleep."
memorable, unforgettable, truly an epic.
this guy I barely knew, yet asking "who are you?" is very rhetoric.
as I wake up it felt like a dream ive never had.
Although I felt his arms around me,
i knew it was the best I have ever had...
Although as the morning came and it was time to part ways..
I knew one thing that was running in my head, in a maze.
That tonight was only for tonight...
That he was not gonna stay.....
It hurts me to think....
that everything was only for last night...
i look at him and say..
is he here for now,
or here to stay..
as i touch his body,
with his arms around me,
with our cheeks caressing each others'
with our smiles connecting together..
as i moved around..
as i glide my body against his,
to the beat of an unforgettable sound..
i feel a sense of peace and bliss..
as he moves his mouth unto my ear,
and gives it a stinch of bite,
gives me deep feeling I truly fear..
is this only for now, is it only for tonight?
as I sit at a tall chair holding a glass or water..
he grabs me and turns me around,
gives me a peck I cant almost bear..
As i stand on the porch over looking the city,
with the wind blowing in our face,
he surrounds me in his arms, i look at the clock..
it's only 11:50..
by midnight I lay on his side,
with the cool breeze from the window,
clothes on the bedside..
As emotions run down my spine,
I was thinking.. "tonight he is mine."
As our bodies glide, i forget everything.
time, place, even my whole being.
As i gave in to his strong desire,
and as he returned the favor...
With all the friction, there were sparks of fire..
tasting the passion, its very sweet flavor..
As I laid next to him I think..
"it's five am, we need to sleep."
memorable, unforgettable, truly an epic.
this guy I barely knew, yet asking "who are you?" is very rhetoric.
as I wake up it felt like a dream ive never had.
Although I felt his arms around me,
i knew it was the best I have ever had...
Although as the morning came and it was time to part ways..
I knew one thing that was running in my head, in a maze.
That tonight was only for tonight...
That he was not gonna stay.....
It hurts me to think....
that everything was only for last night...
A sense of Closure..
So this weekend has been emotionally exhausting for me and to tell the truth, I am so glad it is over. In away, I gave Jared an ultimatum and i still havent heard from him.. I waited for a good month and still no phone call.. so that is it. I am moving on.
talking to his mom yesterday was prolly needed. In a way, i put a closure to that as well. I will no longer wait, and instead focus on my self, my plans, my finances, and my responsibilities. I have everything going for me right now. NO stress at all, just have to live it day by day, care-free and wtith a free spirit.
no doubt that I perfectly understand why jared broke up with me. I absolutely understand why he has to finish college, has to move on to a four year U, and to finally settle with a job. Im not sure if Los Angeles is the perfect place to get back on track but at least he is trying. This is why I am not mad at him or at the situation. i understand clearly that he needs to work on himself... so when he is happy with himself, he can make someone happy with him. Unfortunately it is not me.. and I can admit that we were unhappy. I still miss our moments but all we can do is let go of the past and get back up. Just like other break ups. I mean, i had a couple of break ups before so I am handling it very well.
it really is time to move forward for me. school, career, travel,.. make new friends, meet new guys (haha), travel to other state/countries.. appreciate the gift of friendship and family...everyday i appreciate myself more, with what i have accomplished at 23, and what I have yet to overcome. I feel pretty good about myself, confident, in shape, and talented. im sure one day i can put all of these to use.. in order to make myself better, and to be a better person to be around with.
god loves us all.
"surrender the pen of your love life and let God be the author of your love story."
talking to his mom yesterday was prolly needed. In a way, i put a closure to that as well. I will no longer wait, and instead focus on my self, my plans, my finances, and my responsibilities. I have everything going for me right now. NO stress at all, just have to live it day by day, care-free and wtith a free spirit.
no doubt that I perfectly understand why jared broke up with me. I absolutely understand why he has to finish college, has to move on to a four year U, and to finally settle with a job. Im not sure if Los Angeles is the perfect place to get back on track but at least he is trying. This is why I am not mad at him or at the situation. i understand clearly that he needs to work on himself... so when he is happy with himself, he can make someone happy with him. Unfortunately it is not me.. and I can admit that we were unhappy. I still miss our moments but all we can do is let go of the past and get back up. Just like other break ups. I mean, i had a couple of break ups before so I am handling it very well.
it really is time to move forward for me. school, career, travel,.. make new friends, meet new guys (haha), travel to other state/countries.. appreciate the gift of friendship and family...everyday i appreciate myself more, with what i have accomplished at 23, and what I have yet to overcome. I feel pretty good about myself, confident, in shape, and talented. im sure one day i can put all of these to use.. in order to make myself better, and to be a better person to be around with.
god loves us all.
"surrender the pen of your love life and let God be the author of your love story."
Magen is in town!
Magen is in town!
Jared's sister, whom i have promised to take around when she visits town, was in town today and i took her around. Turns out that jared's older brother was in town as well and so i ended up bringing them to the beach, the promenade, etc. I also saw D's babygirl Ilima today and she was gorgeous!
Oh what a day to be hanging out with your exboyfriend's family. apparently jared has not told anyone about the breakup, its just the talk that spread around. I mean i did not mind at all, only thing is.. his family is saying things like "oh she's the only one i really like" or "jared yuo are making a huge mistake.." it's good to know that there are people who appreciate me for who I am what I have offered to their brother. I love his family. They are very supporting, fun, very hospitable, and appreciative.
hearing stories from his family members make me realize that after two years of knowing jared too well, i dont know anything about him anymore. i heard he's been busy in school, has a new place, new roommate, etc etc. but it's really weird how I have not heard from him. I guess its also a good thing that I havent because then I would be stressing about him too much.
being single makes me realize what kind of man i want to be with. unconciously i am setting up some standards and checking off the checklist. although i havnet really dated anyone just yet (and im not ready, i think i need another month), i feel like i have this vision of my own dreamboy... this whole break up has made me 'wait' for the right person.. it may take a month to a year, but the most important is, he would be perfect for me.
I also came to realize how imperfect for each other me and jared were. When you love someone you are blinded by your affection..physically and emotionally. day by day i come to realize jared is not the one, contrary to what i have thought when we were dating. I guess being with someone for the last five years has not honed my abilities to be single.. i have always seeked for someone's love and affection.. and i have always looked for someone to shared my love with. for now, i have learned that i need to be alone to be with someone..
God does have a very interesting and mysterious way to work around with things. everyday before i sleep i pray to Him that he has total control of my lovelife and that i surrender everything to him. I feel like He does not hear my prayer.. But I am a true believer of his powers, of his love.. and i believe that true love exists.
as for now, i pray for good health and abundance in life, continued healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships and family.
Jared's sister, whom i have promised to take around when she visits town, was in town today and i took her around. Turns out that jared's older brother was in town as well and so i ended up bringing them to the beach, the promenade, etc. I also saw D's babygirl Ilima today and she was gorgeous!
Oh what a day to be hanging out with your exboyfriend's family. apparently jared has not told anyone about the breakup, its just the talk that spread around. I mean i did not mind at all, only thing is.. his family is saying things like "oh she's the only one i really like" or "jared yuo are making a huge mistake.." it's good to know that there are people who appreciate me for who I am what I have offered to their brother. I love his family. They are very supporting, fun, very hospitable, and appreciative.
hearing stories from his family members make me realize that after two years of knowing jared too well, i dont know anything about him anymore. i heard he's been busy in school, has a new place, new roommate, etc etc. but it's really weird how I have not heard from him. I guess its also a good thing that I havent because then I would be stressing about him too much.
being single makes me realize what kind of man i want to be with. unconciously i am setting up some standards and checking off the checklist. although i havnet really dated anyone just yet (and im not ready, i think i need another month), i feel like i have this vision of my own dreamboy... this whole break up has made me 'wait' for the right person.. it may take a month to a year, but the most important is, he would be perfect for me.
I also came to realize how imperfect for each other me and jared were. When you love someone you are blinded by your affection..physically and emotionally. day by day i come to realize jared is not the one, contrary to what i have thought when we were dating. I guess being with someone for the last five years has not honed my abilities to be single.. i have always seeked for someone's love and affection.. and i have always looked for someone to shared my love with. for now, i have learned that i need to be alone to be with someone..
God does have a very interesting and mysterious way to work around with things. everyday before i sleep i pray to Him that he has total control of my lovelife and that i surrender everything to him. I feel like He does not hear my prayer.. But I am a true believer of his powers, of his love.. and i believe that true love exists.
as for now, i pray for good health and abundance in life, continued healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships and family.
Vegas solitude
It's my first time going to Vegas, and it is what I expected it to be. Lively fun, alive! However I'm not even going to rant about Vegas... I'm gonna rant about something else..
So As I was laying on the pool.. I realize that Vegas is a plac for single people.. Those that are on the prawl. I realized it quickly how I missed being with someone.. Someone that holds your hand and rubs your back.. Lays by the pool with you, drinks with you, takes pictures with you. I got sickened looking at the guys trying to talk to women, guys handing out their hotel cards to these women thy just met. What happened to "hello, my name is.. Can I take u out on a date?" I feel like our evolving culture is now using "I want to sleep with you. We should make out and have sex." by the short tome I was single and being myself, I am extremely disgusted by what I see and feel. Make me think it is so much better when there is only one person loing you, caressing you, and taking you out on dates...
Whatever happened to 'i wanna go dancing?' I feel that, including myself, I go out expecting to meet a guy. I hate that feeling.. That feeling of being on a prawl all the time... I have not hooked up with anyone since my exboyfried as broken up with me, contrary to what people tell me: 'quickest way to get over is to date soemone else ryt away. I quickly realized this is not me, I am the person who wants to take things slow and try figure stuff out. I constantly thjnk about things like 'should I hv done something different? Shoulda coulda woulda... I feel like I have loved him a lot. And still do.. He will always hve a place in my heart. As I see all these men who come an talk to me, those that follow me around, or those that do the secon look, I constantly think about him.. How he beats all these men on the way he take care of me. I miss the feeling of being loved. Although it became too rocky at the end, I could never deny that the two years we havespent together have been great.
I was not going to talk about Vegas at all. This place is fun and great, but does not quite work with my personality. I am a hopeless romantic. Waiting for someone who woul sweep m off my feet by giving me flowers, taking me to romantic dates, walks on the beach.... I can seriously say I am over the partying.. It really is for the young at heart. These temporary relationships don't work for me...
I have decided to save myself from all hurt, and protect my heart from more damage. This way I will be prepared to give my all to my husband, whom I have yet to meet. It's like falling in love with your future huband whom you haven't met yet. I just don't wanna end up like a hamburger meat who have just wasted all of mysel to the temporary relationships that would go by...
As for now I pray for good health and abundance in life. Healing for Jared, and strong love among friendship and family.
God loves us all.
So As I was laying on the pool.. I realize that Vegas is a plac for single people.. Those that are on the prawl. I realized it quickly how I missed being with someone.. Someone that holds your hand and rubs your back.. Lays by the pool with you, drinks with you, takes pictures with you. I got sickened looking at the guys trying to talk to women, guys handing out their hotel cards to these women thy just met. What happened to "hello, my name is.. Can I take u out on a date?" I feel like our evolving culture is now using "I want to sleep with you. We should make out and have sex." by the short tome I was single and being myself, I am extremely disgusted by what I see and feel. Make me think it is so much better when there is only one person loing you, caressing you, and taking you out on dates...
Whatever happened to 'i wanna go dancing?' I feel that, including myself, I go out expecting to meet a guy. I hate that feeling.. That feeling of being on a prawl all the time... I have not hooked up with anyone since my exboyfried as broken up with me, contrary to what people tell me: 'quickest way to get over is to date soemone else ryt away. I quickly realized this is not me, I am the person who wants to take things slow and try figure stuff out. I constantly thjnk about things like 'should I hv done something different? Shoulda coulda woulda... I feel like I have loved him a lot. And still do.. He will always hve a place in my heart. As I see all these men who come an talk to me, those that follow me around, or those that do the secon look, I constantly think about him.. How he beats all these men on the way he take care of me. I miss the feeling of being loved. Although it became too rocky at the end, I could never deny that the two years we havespent together have been great.
I was not going to talk about Vegas at all. This place is fun and great, but does not quite work with my personality. I am a hopeless romantic. Waiting for someone who woul sweep m off my feet by giving me flowers, taking me to romantic dates, walks on the beach.... I can seriously say I am over the partying.. It really is for the young at heart. These temporary relationships don't work for me...
I have decided to save myself from all hurt, and protect my heart from more damage. This way I will be prepared to give my all to my husband, whom I have yet to meet. It's like falling in love with your future huband whom you haven't met yet. I just don't wanna end up like a hamburger meat who have just wasted all of mysel to the temporary relationships that would go by...
As for now I pray for good health and abundance in life. Healing for Jared, and strong love among friendship and family.
God loves us all.
Wohoo. I am blogging again!
So I have this history that I use to blog about everything that happens. in 2004 I have started writing... my blogs have caused drama, friendship etc etc. i even wrote poems (really good ones!)... now i am 23.. more mature.. so more read-worthy stuff to write...
My boyfriend of two years just recently (3 weeks to date) broke up with me... I'm in LA living the single life.. literally, single. living with two wonderful roommates, working two jobs, occasional drinks here and there, maintaining my car... paying my bills... It has been tough to be alone in a city.. no family. just one best friend (that lives an hour away), two wonderful roommates, and a few cool coworkers... So far I am living stress free. have not stressed about my health, my finances, my status... it has worked great for me so far. I cant believe I have experienced a stress free life for a lil bit now... It is a GREAT feeling.
I was thinking sometimes.. I feel so alone. But.. i have to learn how to be independent somehow. mom chewed me out on the phone last nyt, wanting me to come back home to Alaska. Coz up there i dont pay rent, food, and I even get lucky with gas money. but i realize it really isnt about money all the time. although i moved down here to be with my (ex) boyfriend, i look at it as a positive aspect now. like.... 'im in LA! i should take full advantage!' So that's what I have been doing. My friends are suprised on how I have handled the break up. cried for two days, got depressed for another couple days.. and bounced right back up. lost some weight, ate more healthy, brought prettier clothes and shoes. and voila! it's like a new me! colored my hair black, met new friends, had... wont mention. hahaha... it has been great so far! loving it.. learning how not to be dependent with a man. I thoought i was not gonna be able to make it here. but I am learning.
I was reading this book my friend Sj let me borrow.. it's called 'when God writes your love story.' All these break up situations made me closer to God, making me realize that he has greater plans for me. I have completely surrendered my relationship problems to Him... I figured.. somewhere out there.. the guys im supposed to be with is walking around.. at work.. making dinner... or whatever. I have decided to NOT LOOK for love, instead wait till God sends the right person to me.
It has been a ride giving up my lovelife to someone I have faith towards.. someone who has full control over all things.. but I realized, I am only 23. I have graduated college, have travelled, have my own car, job.. things are in the right place for now. I know someone out there is worthy of my love.. someone who would appreciate me for who I am. someone Godly.. someone God-sent.
As for now, i am just focusing on work. working towards a career. I may move to Oregon and get a job there. cheaper living, i will be luxurious! I plan to go to the UK next year... stay there for a month or two.. try to live/learn another culture.. Maybe save some money and buy a property at home. some land I can call mine. go back to grad school. may take ten years to get my masters but hey, it would be worth it if I make 100k a year when Im thirty... so far.. all plans. I have God to help me through all this..
for now, i just pray for more blessings and good health. healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships...
God Loves us All.
My boyfriend of two years just recently (3 weeks to date) broke up with me... I'm in LA living the single life.. literally, single. living with two wonderful roommates, working two jobs, occasional drinks here and there, maintaining my car... paying my bills... It has been tough to be alone in a city.. no family. just one best friend (that lives an hour away), two wonderful roommates, and a few cool coworkers... So far I am living stress free. have not stressed about my health, my finances, my status... it has worked great for me so far. I cant believe I have experienced a stress free life for a lil bit now... It is a GREAT feeling.
I was thinking sometimes.. I feel so alone. But.. i have to learn how to be independent somehow. mom chewed me out on the phone last nyt, wanting me to come back home to Alaska. Coz up there i dont pay rent, food, and I even get lucky with gas money. but i realize it really isnt about money all the time. although i moved down here to be with my (ex) boyfriend, i look at it as a positive aspect now. like.... 'im in LA! i should take full advantage!' So that's what I have been doing. My friends are suprised on how I have handled the break up. cried for two days, got depressed for another couple days.. and bounced right back up. lost some weight, ate more healthy, brought prettier clothes and shoes. and voila! it's like a new me! colored my hair black, met new friends, had... wont mention. hahaha... it has been great so far! loving it.. learning how not to be dependent with a man. I thoought i was not gonna be able to make it here. but I am learning.
I was reading this book my friend Sj let me borrow.. it's called 'when God writes your love story.' All these break up situations made me closer to God, making me realize that he has greater plans for me. I have completely surrendered my relationship problems to Him... I figured.. somewhere out there.. the guys im supposed to be with is walking around.. at work.. making dinner... or whatever. I have decided to NOT LOOK for love, instead wait till God sends the right person to me.
It has been a ride giving up my lovelife to someone I have faith towards.. someone who has full control over all things.. but I realized, I am only 23. I have graduated college, have travelled, have my own car, job.. things are in the right place for now. I know someone out there is worthy of my love.. someone who would appreciate me for who I am. someone Godly.. someone God-sent.
As for now, i am just focusing on work. working towards a career. I may move to Oregon and get a job there. cheaper living, i will be luxurious! I plan to go to the UK next year... stay there for a month or two.. try to live/learn another culture.. Maybe save some money and buy a property at home. some land I can call mine. go back to grad school. may take ten years to get my masters but hey, it would be worth it if I make 100k a year when Im thirty... so far.. all plans. I have God to help me through all this..
for now, i just pray for more blessings and good health. healing for jared, peace for the world, and strong love among friendships...
God Loves us All.
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